The path to your heart...

I'm so glad I'm able to see you again...and am really happy it lasted for so long. I really don't want the day to end so soon, that's why i suggested for a movie...But today I feel so...I don't know how to explain but thinking abt it makes my heart feel "sour". Why can't I be jealous? you said if boys made comments abt your friend, you'll just follow and won't be jealous. Yes that might be true, but question is, do you like the guy who made that comment? I'm so sad that our conversation ended right there. What da hell is wrong with me...? What da F**K is wrong with me...? Tell me, which part of me isn't good enough...? When I jokingly said that I want to die and dissappear from your life, I'm actually feeling that way. I've find the way to see you again...but I need to find the way to your heart and sees where it really lies.

Perhaps I should stop thinking of what you think because it's causing even more misunderstanding...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll wait for you, I will, until I know for sure what your heart says...

Hope...and...

I guess I'm starting to realise what's going on...you still can't let him go. You keep telling me u miss him when u're drunk. I don't wanna see you being so unhappy, and tired every single day... Although you didn't actually said who u miss but I know. But there's nothing I can do...I don't even know who he is. However, as I said I won't ask you to stop thinking coz I know it's impossible...But I really wish to help, if there's any way...I'm trying my best to keep our conversation as lively as possible but I guess I still got alot to learn. I really wish to go out with you again...am so glad you asked. Guess there's still hope.

Two days ago, I was aboard a train with my friends and saw this guy sleeping like nobody business...but it was funny, trust me. The people in that particular carriage was laughing like mad, and wierd thing is, he still doesn't know. Esther can't help it but took a few little videos of him...haha...I took one too. And I actually spent the night joining and editing and put in Mozart music for babies as the background music. I got to apologize but I just had to put it on youtube to share the fun...haha. The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5riefufzIR8 or you can search for "asleep kaze" or "asleep on train." The title is "Asleep..." But pls do not report, I don't wanna get sued...HAHA.

Today, I woke up early in the morning to watch my newest DVD addition : Inside Man . As usual, I didn't regret buying it. It's a brilliant smart show that put you thinking a little. However, there're some things I don't really understand...like the term "Nazis". So I search on the internet and found out that Nazi is actually an abbreviation for National Socialist Political Party led by hitler...WOW. Haha. Anyway it's a nice show, everyone should watch it. And I loved the music at the start and end of the show...Such a wonderful match...haha "Chaiyya Chaiyya" from bollywood de...surprised? Yeah it's an indian song but it matches and even made the opening of the show one of the best I've seen. I'm now listening to it while typing this...lol I actually downloaded it.

After I watched the show, I rushed to school for my orientation and received my timetable finally after a two hour talk. I can't say I'm unhappy with my time-table but I ain't very happy with it either. A packed monday with 4 hours worth of break in total...What da fuck am I gonna do in that 4 hours? well a tuesday with only 1 to 3pm lesson is good but why must it be in the middle of the day? A wednesday and thursday with only two session on each day is fine...But the best day is no doubt friday, lesson starts at 9, ends at 10, one hour break and go auditorium for a one hour lecture from 11 to 12 noon. Afterwhich, I'm free to go...haha, but that also makes me think if I wanna start working again, on friday sat. Perhaps it's god's will that I have to work and that's why I was given that kind of schedule for friday...haha...hey, wait a min, when did I become a christian? OMG, must be the medicine...lol...just kidding.

Haizzz, I'm so sian and tired too, just like "you"...but who do I tell that to...?

Wish to forget, but wish to continue.

I'm writing this, assuming that it's still tuesday. Sigh, yesterday I went out with Esther and Wei qi, initially to make our EZ-link card...but let's just say it didn't went so smoothly. So we continue our shopping, or esther's at orchard. We had long john silver for lunch and esther suggested to take neo prints, which me and wei qi isn't very keen of. For me is becoz of money and i seldom take also. Anyway, we went ahead and took with two different machines and we've had fun...well perhaps not wei qi. I'm going out everyday trying to forget as much as possible about what happened last week. I did forget about it when I'm outside, but once in a while i check back on my phone to see if there's any messages. However, when i reach home, I'll rush to switch on my computer looking for your email to be online on my msn. When I'm lying on bed, I kept thinking...about many things...until I can finally fall asleep. I hope to forget because it's very painful to keep thinking whenever I'm awake. But i wish to continue thinking and not forget all about you. I don't know what should I do. But you seems to know...and we seems to talk lesser than before. Why is this happening? Was it a bad decision to tell you all that? I just thought I should let you know. Well perhaps I was wrong. I just wished everything had went on smoothly...

Why?

Why must you give me bits and pieces of hope but then shattered them one by one? Perhaps I haven't know you enough... Do you even notice how those little words you said had hurt me so deeply? Why? I only wanted to ask you out...

Or have I mistaken everything from the start? You actually weren't hinting anything at all...? I can't help but keep thinking that way even though i don't want to...I really don't want it to end like this...cause it's only just beginning. I really want to think that you do feel the same way. I really do. But you're not letting me...

I'm really not being myself these few days, the optimism me seems to be gone...or perhaps this is the true me?

I really wish to know how you feel...like I've told you...I really do, But why aren't you answering...even if the answer is no, why can't you give an answer? It just makes me think that there's still hope. And I know i may not talk alot But why can't you give me a chance. I'll talk more...you don't expect me to act like you're just another friend, do you?

It's strange, the more I want you to talk to me, the more I'm afraid you will say something that makes me even more disappointed...I really wish I could get a glance at your diary to see if there's even any slightest things mentioned about me...

I'm so sadded...hurt, and disappointed...

What exactly is happening?

Just yesterday, I've said all those things to you, but why can you pretend like nothing happen? Once again you didn't gave me an answer when i asked again. You said you don't want now, then stop saying things that will make me mistaken...I'm so confused...what exactly do you want me to do? Don't pretend like nothing happen but yet kept saying things like you're hinting something...I'm just so not good at playing mind games... Today you asked me why i woke up so early, but in fact i can't really sleep...I lied on the bed for more than 3 hours before i can really fall asleep...I just can't help but kept thinking of what you'll be thinking after what I've said...

Then when I'm awake, I know I had to go out and take a walk in order to stop thinking about it. And i find a friend of mine and went out...thinking that you might never contact me anytime soon. But yet you messaged me like nothing really happened...but that message made me think that you're hinting something by calling me that...and in the following few message after that, you said you want " " when I asked you what you want...which made me even more confused. I'm so lost.........

Should I continue or forget about you...?
I'll find a way...to see you again......

Sigh...maybe I should start writing diary...like you do...cause I really don't want anyone to read this......

argghhhhhh!!!!!!! It's just so complicated...

I'm so lost......

Today, I said something to someone i never thought i would ever had the courage to said it...But I at lost after seeing the reaction...or rather I've never really thought what the reaction will be...I really don't know what to do now...What should I do next? Is that a yes or a no? What exactly is "anything"? I'm blasting the speaker off my com right now...listening to a song named "I'll find a way"...I really hope I'll find the way......
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even though there's no one at home, I really don't wish to shout it out, perhaps on my blog is fine...

I'm so lost......but pls, if there's really anyone reading this...don't ask...I rather you pretend nothing happened...and you've read nothing...Coz I really don't want to say it. I hate people who always ask "are you in love?, you like who...etc" just because they see this type of things...Don't you think people will tell you when they want to and not when they're prompt to????? For heaven sake if you're those kind of people, GET LOST! My blog doesn't require you, or rather doesn't require anyone to read...It's just for myself!! Damn you!

~I missed the good old days...but I look forward to my everchangable future...

Thanks.

~Kaze

Finally some music......

Finally added some music to my blog...
yea...in case you're wondering, this is the type of songs i listen to...haha. Anyway, must wait for it to load for a short while......Sigh, got nth to do, so wierd, i'm not even tired...it's already 5.35 am when I'm typing this...sigh...thinking of lots of things...I wonder who reads my blog...i wonder what is my future like...i wonder if I'll be alone for the rest of my life...i wonder if anyone likes me...i wonder at wad age will i die...i wonder how everyone i've knew since i was a baby is doing now...i wonder if they'll be more successful than me...i wonder if i chose the right path...i wonder what i'll do if i got lots of money...i wonder what you think of me...i wonder lots of things...well, you might be wondering when am i gonna stop...haha......

Anyway, this is a photo of my group of friends...haha...so few...i find this photo quite nice...so i edited it, gave it a little contrast...and vuola...i really love it. In case you don't really know me...I'm the one at the bottom right......

Thanks

~Kaze