Sleeping in fear...

Sometimes I feel like it would be better to not have told you...At first I was glad that you finally know how I feel...but now it brings me fear...afraid that you would try to avoid...It seems like we weren't as close as before anymore...and there're things you can't tell me anymore...It seems like I'm just another problem for you to solve. Perhaps you don't think that way, but I do...I think I'm just creating more problems for you...which makes me think that it would've be better off not telling you, at least not now. At least I won't have to live in fear everyday...there's always something for me to fear everytime i wake up from my troubled dreamland. This fear is starting to take over me...I just wished that everyday, there's something to make me smile while sleeping and not the opposite. I really am glad you made that little slide thing that day...coz I was feeling down until you showed me that and even though it doesn't have any special meaning, I still want to say Thanks. Coz it got me sleeping at least.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Time...

Why does 4 hours seems like forever when you're alone? Why does the sky seems different when you're alone? Why does certain actions such as eating seems extremely fast when you're alone, so fast that you'd wished that you've ate slower. Time passes so slow when you're walking endlessly, without directions or destination. You don't know where to go. You don't know where to stay. You don't know where to sit. You don't know where to eat. You know nothing. You've become so stupid all of a sudden. Wouldn't it be better if time doesn't exist? Well it's just an imagination though...we can't do without time. haha.

Looking up to the sky above esplanade, I asked myself this : "If you were given a choice, will you want to be given more time or less?"

Well right now, I want more time, more time to do things that hasn't been done, more time to look at stars, more time to wait for you...

Thanks.
~Kaze

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...

What if you could live forever? Well...forever can means dying and being reborn once again, and then continue living. Just like the stars... This is basically wad the movie "The fountain" is talking about I guess. It's a good show to trigger you to think after the show...and that's also why I don't recommend people to this show unless you're like me...haha.

sigh...As I'm typing this...I'm listening to my favorite song "I'll find a way" which is on this blog...I don't know why but everytime I listen to this song...Lots and lots of thoughts will spin around my brain...which most of the time makes me sad, even when there's nothing really...for me to be sad about. But I won't abandon this song...coz this is a song which can keep me away from my sleep, yet makes me sleep sometimes...It makes me smile, yet cry sometimes...It makes me think, yet it makes me stone sometimes...Everytime when I'm sad...I listen to this song over and over again till I'm numb...till I get sick of it. Till I feel nothing.

On train just now...I just feel like listening to this song...and concentrate on it till I stop thinking...Without any distractions. Thanks to my phone's "offline mode" I'm able to do so. Well perhaps I think too much, way to much...but well...I really don't know if it was the right decision to hold your hand, really, I don't. Perhaps it would be easier to pull back if I havent done so. I really don't know what you're thinking, what you're feeling...and that's when the fear in me starts to take over. Well, I really hate this feeling of dragging, dragging aimlessly...not knowing what to do or what will happen next...I know life is full of these. Yet I refuse to follow what everyone else think life is. I'm stubborn I know. Well people say life is full of decision/surprises. But what if life is not for you to decide? What if surprises was to come before decision?

Perhaps there's an easier definition to life...Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...(a quote from john lennon)

Thanks.
~Kaze

The game of life...

Yesterday was a quite a big day to me...Don't wanna say why, but it just was. and will still be. I was really feeling quite troubled before wad happened yesterday...but after I said it out...I felt much more loosen...Although It's only a while and I'm starting to realise new problems are coming...perhaps even more complicated problems...

Perhaps life is full of problems...for us to solve them one by one. Well are we being played by gods then? They created us, gave us life...then gave us food, follow by problems...through those problem...we learnt the way of living...and then, we died.

I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm being played...manipulated. Well that's why we cried, we laugh...and we fear.

Well I'll find a way...to every problem...and continue to play this game of life...for I've no other choice...

Thanks.
~Kaze

No Title

Sometimes I wonder what's a blog for? To write something for someone else to view it I assume... Coz that's the only logical explaination why you need to write something on a blog, isn't it? You can keep a diary and write everything inside with no constrain and there's a very small chance anyone else will know what you're writing in there if you hide it well. So I sometimes find it hard to write on blog...coz there're so many things I want to say but can't. I feel so restricted...I want to write down what I'm feeling/thinking all the time, yet I can't really find a proper space for me to do so...And I just simply don't like the idea of writing black and white...that might one day end up in someone else's hands. Keeping everything inside myself has eventually become a habit i guess...but that's also why I'm feeling so damn...tight right now. It feel as though there're ropes around me...and I really want to break it but can't.

Sigh...sometimes I wonder why shld I seperate words into paragraphs? Why there? And aren't they all words? why can't they be together? Why must they be seperated? For easy reading? Well bullshit...why should everything be so easy? Is it a law to break everything up for convenience? Even if it is a law...so what? Why the hell do we follow laws? Because we're afraid, of coz...it's the fear. And so why must there be fear? Because you want everything to go as smoothly as possible...which also means as easy as possible...hey, wait a minute, isn't this a cycle? well people say life is a cycle...perhaps it is the way you treat life that's a cycle...life itself is not a cycle...you can grow old and die, reborn, or how do u even know you can reborn? perhaps you're just being terminated...a brand new life which has nothing to do with you has been born...simple as that. Anyway, Even if you reborn...you can choose the way you want to treat your life...if you choose to study...work...grow old...die...of coz it's a very common cycle I guess...isn't it?

Well what I've said is very personal and based solely on my opinion...and it's very conceptual. But, why can't something be conceptual? Why must everything be so real...? It'll be too boring if that's the case...no designer...no inventors...becoz there's simply noone thinking/imagining things... If you think again...living in your own conceptual world may be even easier than this "easy world" we created...Coz everything will then go according to what you want...basically based on the word "EASY" I guess...

An easy world for difficult people......

Somethings I realised...or shld I say, I knew it all along...

Well when two person are in love, why must we tell each other? At where or when were we taught to do so? It's just a human instinct, u say? It's normal to do so, u say? Well have anyone ever thought of why is it normal then? Because everyone is doing it? There're many things that we find it normal once everyone started doing. Well, why must we do what others have done? Isn't it too boring...

Well the way I see it, it's better left unsaid. I don't know why, but perhaps that feeling might ultimately change be it you're together or not in the end. But being best friends, we can chat abt everything, say abt anything...without any restriction/limit that a boy/girl friend has. Well perhaps someday you realised that you can reach that "no limit" stage even being boy/girlfriends, then you might be ready then.

Sometimes I wondered what's so bad abt being best friends and not boy/girl friends? Well at least you can talk about almost anything. You want to be together with him/her, u say? Well perhaps best friends can be together even longer than boy/girlfriends.

But if I were the one involved, I know I'll ultimately say it too, if I really felt that strong connection between us. Which I've failed once and afraid to try again. Perhaps that time I wasn't really best friends with her, and so I wanted more, but ended up getting even lesser.

Perhaps saying it meant alot to me coz I've no experience but I know that it will not be the same...it's either best friends, boy/girlfriends, or just friends. Wouldn't it be more miserable being just friends? But if u succeed, will u really become more closer than best friends? Thats what I do not know but think it will not. Many things will ltr become unable to share with each others. Even thoughts...

Well I hereby wish everyone happy telling the person you like and hope it's a happy ending, so that you can counter whatever I've said...I really don't mind. What I said isn't true for all, perhaps just for me, a wierdo trying to think everything through...

Thanks.
~Kaze