A Change...

This blog has caused quite alot of trouble recently...and I really don't want to cause all these trouble. Therefore, I've created a new blog and will post there from now on. Nobody will know what I'm thinking now...Isn't it great? Nobody will get hurt now. And there's no more blog to send you thinking lots and lots in your mind.

Bye bye,
Thanks.
~Kaze

Ready, Steady, Go!

Yeah, I'm glad you finally understand what the toooT I'm talking about...haha. Yeah, we should all take it easy. Just be normal. Don't have to do anything extra. Sometimes the more you want to help, the more you make it worst. So don't do anything is the best. Haha I looked into the mirror while I was in the bathroom and I told myself, hey my smile isn't too bad, I should smile more. ahaahaha. and I smile at the mirror...haha so stupid. But anyway, I understand the true meaning of "Let it be". and Now I'm able to "Ready, Steady, Go!" haha...another of beatles' song. haha. Yeah, I'm beatles siao, but their songs are just more enlightening and inspiring then the songs nowadays...

Anyway, I remember we once agree that no matter what happens, I'm still your zhu tou no. 1, and you're still my zhu tou no. 2. So please remember this sentence too! Beside that one encouraging you to smile more. Must promise to remember this two thing no matter wad ar. If wo xiang dao other thing then i add on la...haha...for now only two la...haha like worst then exam.

Well, I also dunno why I feel so relieved now. Perhaps becoz I know I'm giving you stress and I don't want that to be the case. I want you to be happy. I will still wait for your sms, your call, still find chance to be with you, still entertain you if you let me, and still be your zhu tou forever......that's if you want this chou chou, dunno how to eat without staining my clothes de da lan zhu...haha. =)

Thanks.
~Kaze

Accept what is meant for you, not decide what is meant for you...

To a friend who will always be a brother to me :

Sometimes I wonder, am I really that selfish? Was I being selfish when I post that I think of her? That was what I think. That was what I feel. So what's wrong with expressing how I felt? I really don't know why you called it selfish, you have every right to do so too. Someone please tell me have I really done wrong? Perhaps you think giving is better than receiving. But ultimately, you'll only hurt yourself. Waiting patiently on the queue is better than making decision for someone. Perhaps you now see me as just another selfish friend. I don't mind. I once thought that everything could really be the same like before. I was naive. Perhaps all along I see these coming and that's why I find it hard to tell you. But you accept it with an open heart and words you spoke really made me wonder if what I did was right, and feel glad that I have you as a friend, that's why I cried. But now I know those were just white lies spoke with good intention. I'm no longer a friend you can trust, I'm no longer a brother to you I guess, I'm just a selfish soul like that in your past. Well I accept the fact that I am, I know I shouldn't come into this in the first place, Yes, I'm the third party. I guess this is how everyone sees it, and now I sees it too. I no longer know what is right to do, seems like everything I did was wrong to you. But you kept quiet and get hurt even more by encouraging me all the time. I'm Sorry. I'm really a sinful third party. Sorry to have hurt you so much. If jumping off the corridor ledge will solve the problem, I will. But I know it won't. I will only be seen as a foolish little fellow trying to make the decision. I won't give up, it's not becoz I don't want to be a loser or wadsoever. I don't see this as a game with losing and winning, I see this as a game with unlimited loop, with no ending. You don't lose when you lose her, You still won a friend. She's a friend now and will still be in the future. However losing this friend will be the real lost, and you shouldn't let this happen. And the more you shouldn't care about me, I will fight fair, so should you. I sulk because I haven't understand. But when I do, I stopped. I decide how should I face it, not what should I do, and that's something I'm proud of. Whatever you do, you must be proud of yourself, doing things truthfully from your heart. Do you understand? So I just hoped you'll understand that real happiness is when you're able to accept what is meant for you, and not decide that they weren't meant for you.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Take care

I just didn't know what was going on for the past few days and will it continue? I don't know. Should you ever feel uncomfortable being with me, just tell me. I will leave. If seeing me reminds you of some unhappy stuff, I'm sorry. I will try to be normal, but if I sense that you doesn't feel happy being with me, I won't bother you. I understand what's going on now and I understand how you feel, I will be patient. As long as I still see your smile once in a while. You taught me that phrase, "You never know who's fallen in love with your smile." when you asked me to smile more. Well, now please remember this phrase whenever you feel sad. Please smile. Nobody wishes to see you feel unhappy, neither do I. Well perhaps you still need more time to stop thinking about it and it's ok if you don't feel like talking. I understand. If you ever need someone to accompany you for a walk, I can be the one. Just ask and I'll go. But meanwhile, I'll wait...Don't get stress over all these le. Take care.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Thinking of you...

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just feel sad when I think of you lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just feel lost when I try to write lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to see you even if it takes all I have to take a cab lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to know what you're thinking lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to know what have I done wrong lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to say goodbye when you leave even if that's the hardest word on earth lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to hear your voice even if you're not talking to me lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just feel happy talking to you on the phone lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to eat anything you cook even if it's prawn I will swallow and not vomit out
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want to see you smile even when they weren't meant for me
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
I just want you to be happy lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala is all I can say for I'm too lost for words......thinking of you.

Depressed...

Today, I wasn't happy till the night. I don't know why but you seem like you doesn't want to see me. I was really depressed when I sensed that. I'm afraid that you will then slowly ignore me after that. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I could only sit and stone...Perhaps you could tell me why? Why the sudden change of attitude? If it was because of me saying you're too direct and always say sarcastic remarks, sorry I was just joking around...I'm not angry when you say those things. Perhaps I'll feel uneasy if one day you stop saying, just like today. It's just not you. And perhaps it's becoz you think that I'm getting too jealous about you and him. Well, I don't deny that there'll surely be jealousy. But it's not to that extend that I don't want to see him. We're still good friends. And as long as you're still talking to me, I'm fine. But today I was really feeling down...when I realise you don't seem happy seeing me. There're many times when I thought of just leaving since you doesn't want to see me, especially when we were on 14. But She encouraged me to follow. And so I did. And when I say I'm going over to the bus stop to bring u over, I really wanted to dash across the road, afraid that the bus will come to take you away. And perhaps I would regret if I let today end like this. And yes I brought you over and I did not regret. It just felt like everything is back to normal, though I really don't know what you're thinking actually. Perhaps if you really doesn't want to see me, tell me straight. I won't bother you anymore. It's no point making you feel unhappy seeing me.

No matter what, I still want you to smile always... :)

Smile always...

Perhaps I think too much...but you seems to have started feeling stress being with me. Sorry if that really is the case. And recently you seems to be thinking of something, I'm not sure what it is but it's obvious that you're not happy thinking about it. I hope everytime after you think of your past, you'll think everything through and get a little better everytime. No matter what, you have to face it one day. I can and will entertain you as long as I'm still alive but I know I alone cannot make you forget about it. It takes two hands to clap. I know you're smart enough to understand. And Sorry if I couldn't be the one to share your problems with. But please find someone to talk to and not hide everything inside yourself. Please be happy. Smile always...=)

You want me to smile more and so do I...

Thanks.
~Kaze

Life's worth a little spark

Life's worth too much not to
Bloom or spark like flowers
Risk being plucked

It must play its tune for
The space it'd run to make it
Worth its downs and ups

Don't waste such short chase in
The rat race which is not worth
The unproportioned pain

Life's worth too much to leave
It doomed for the dark let it be
Worthy of being a sore thumb

Make best of life despite
The short space in time let
The fruits bear for one's kind

Be brave spell
The truth and harbour the pain
Leave the tracks for the next corner to gain

Thanks.
~Kaze

Let it be...

I will be strong. Don't worry, everyone. I will try not to think of things that can't be solved now. Things that I can't control. Thank you everyone. I'm listening to "Let it be" by the beatles now. Here is the lyrics..."When I find myself in trouble, mother mary comes to me, speaking word of wisdom, let it be." Well perhaps that's really all I have to understand to feel happy. I can't control and can't solve...so just, Let it be...I will smile like I've always did. Thank you for being so understanding.

There's something I've been wondering since last night...How do you know if someone likes you? I don't really know.

Thanks.
~Kaze

I cried.

I cried. Yes, for the first time after so long, I really can't hold back anymore. It was suppose to be a relieve. Perhaps it really was a relieve for me, I cried so badly like all my tears that I've held back are forcing their way out now. Yet I'm feeling lots of emotions now. I don't know what to say anymore. Now finally I won't have to hide anything. But after this, will everything go that smoothly as everyone wished? I know I won't be able to smile that much now, it's not a jie tuo to me. It just simply solve one problem and bring in ten. I promise you that I will try to smile more. But I know deep down inside me, I'm not smiling. And to him, Sorry I've hide from you for so long. Many times I wanted to tell you yet I can't bring myself to do so. I'm just afraid of things that's gonna happen after I do so. Sorry to everyone, I'm not a good person.

Thanks.
~Kaze

I walked away to keep myself from looking.

The more you view my blog, the more I'm afraid to write everything down...I don't want to worry you. I don't want to make you wonder all the time if I'm alright. I don't wish to be a "responsibility" for you. It will be useless if two person have so much pressure being together. Perhaps you're just trying to know me better through my blog, and I appreciate that. But I'm afraid that something I've written will make you unhappy.

Today is just another lifeless day for me. Being in that room with such a moody atmosphere made me wonder about things again. That's why I prefer sitting outside on that "thinking table". I know you're not ok...you're confused...you're still stuck behind ur past. I understand that and I respect that. It is hard to forget someone who used to meant alot to you. Don't misunderstood, it wasn't because of what you told me about him that made me say this. It was because She told me and I know you cried, telling her about that. I wasn't surprise though...it was expected. Anyway, today you once again asked me why am I with that black face, which made me feel bad, that I've once again made you worry. Sorry. Well, while on the way to lunch, she asked me to walk slowly and let you two be together. No matter how unwilling I am, I still did it, jokingly. When on the bus, she asked me to let you two be alone. Again, I can't deny that I don't feel good, but I just had to do what she said. She's just lending him a helping hand, which part of me wanted to too. That's why I walked alone most of the time, I want to see him happy again, yet I can't bring myself to look. The further I walk, the less I get to see. And did anyone actually realise that I walk infront instead of behind which I normally will? I guess not... Even when I joke, I realised I wasn't happy inside. But whenever I'm with you, all my worries were just gone for that moment. I feel happy everytime we're together. I don't know why but I just don't feel the stress when I'm with you. Well I seriously hope you'll feel the same.

And when I was back from the gents, I then found out you went to look for me. I want to say sorry for making you worry again. I admit I dragged my feet back to the restaurant because it's just too hard for me to face the two of you. Everytime this happens, I don't know what to do but to look away, find distractions to distract my concentration. I won't deny that I don't feel good everytime you're with him, because if I do, I'm just lying. But I know it is only right for you to go. And as for me, I'm fine just thinking about the same thing, which I already got used to.

Lan ping guo told me love is selfish and I shouldn't help anyone from now on except myself. But I just can't do it. I just can't bring myself to do something I truefully know will hurt my friend. Well, perhaps from now on, I should just let things be...and try my best to win your heart by my own. Haha. And also, I'm happy you still tell me about your ex coz it means I'm still someone you could talk to like we used to be. For me, it's like a form of trust. And I thank you for trusting me. And everytime I read your blog, seeing you blaming yourself for what happened, I feel like letting you go, so that you won't blame yourself anymore. Even when you told me what you've written wasn't for me. I don't know if it's true coz if it wasn't me who trigger you to think of a decision after reading my blog, you wouldn't have gotten so stress out now. It really hurts seeing you being so restless throughout the day...I really missed the days when I'm still able to make you laugh more. I just want to tell you it's ok if I feel sad, as long as others are not feeling stressed out. =)

Thanks.
~Kaze

Be happy.

I wanted to delete my previous post but I will not. It was just what I feel at that time. But it's over and I know I'm fine now. Today...instead of worrying about all that, I should think about other things that's happening now. Today, it seems like everyone's tense. Everyone wasn't feeling happy. I really hate to see this, see that everyone's gathering, splitting up, talking, trying to help each other. When this happens everytime, I'm always lost on which path to take, who to follow, and what to say. Today, I chose none. Perhaps I wasn't need. Perhaps I'm really redundant. Well nobody really need me to help, though I think I won't be of much help anyway. It seems like it's over, but maybe it's not. Well I sit alone and I suddenly feel that perhaps I've done wrong. If it was me in his place today, will everyone still rush down for me? Perhaps I will be alone, like I've always had. Perhaps nothing have changed through all the years. I'm still alone. Perhaps the friendster horoscope was true. I've been trying to find the balance between things...being neutral. But I've harmed myself through that and it's time to break away from being neutral for once. Perhaps I will be happy after I'm able to do that...I'll try. But now I just want everyone to be happy. Even if it's not my fault, I just want to say sorry for subconciously made people worry.

Be happy. Whoever's reading this.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Punishment for a sinful person.

I didn't want to think, I didn't want to worry, I didn't want to feel guilty, but WHY does he always remind me everytime after I've spent almost the whole day in happiness? While going home, he told me what I was always afraid to hear. He told me that he trusted me, and believe that I'm not that type of person. I really don't know how to react. I kept quiet. At that moment, I wanted to tell him the truth, yet I can't bring myself to do so. He told me this is a crucial time, he asked me if he should ask? He asked me what to do? I told him what a friend would say. I told him what I know is right to do. Even when every single advice I gave him, I felt the pain, I know it hurts me, yet I told him without hesitation. I don't know if this is right, but i believe it is. I really feel confused, lost. Even when I type this, he's asking me about the food she like. He wanted to do something to let her know the importance of her to him, which I told him to. Every time I advice him, I hide my face from him, afraid that he would notice the pain inside me. He trusted me but was what I did wrong? Was I really wrong right from the start? I knew it was perhaps because of me, that you've written those post on your blog, yet I couldn't tell him. He mentioned it too many times that I just feel like I've really caused too much problems, for you and for him. Perhaps I'm really redundant, like he jokingly said I was two days ago. This world doesn't need a problem maker like me. Sorry to have pressure you, I know I did, though I've tried my very best to keep you happy ever since and I still will. Why does he have to tell me so much things. Deep down in my heart I know I really like you, yet I'm doing this to myself, I really don't know what is the right thing to do now. Everyday, it seems like there're thousands of needles trying to penetrate through my heart. I can tell no one about this, there're really no one there for me when I need one. I shouldn't even trouble anyone any further about my problem, I've caused too much problem. I had no choice but to stop my tears from coming out myself. Knowing that he's going to go find you and perhaps bringing the tiramisu I suggested him to buy, yet I can't do a thing about it. I just feel stupid, but no regret for hurting myself. Should I tell him the truth? at least he won't talk to me about you anymore. But will he hate me for this? I really don't know. Now that new term has started, everyday will be a mental torture for me. I will try my best to avoid being alone with him now as I know there ought to be something he will ask that makes my mind go wild. I know tonight will be a long night...I want to fall asleep, but I can't. Perhaps for the first time, I would like to try some sleeping pills. I know you'll read this, someday, but please don't be worry, I'll be fine. Perhaps it was my fault all along and it's just right that I've hurt myself in the end.

Don't blame urself. Sorry.

Nothing much to write actually, coz I haven't been thinking anything much today. How about you? Please don't blame urself what's happening. It's not your fault. It was just me thinking too much. Sorry to have cause you to blame urself after reading my blog. It's nothing really, I'm fine now. I understand you're in a difficult situation and so please don't force urself too much. Please, don't think that way, you're not dragging innocents into this. And if you gave me an answer "No" truefully from ur heart, I will accept it. It will be painful but I will understand. But please don't simply say "No" to everyone just to end this, it will be a regret for everyone. And now it seems like I'm the one who caused all these trouble...If it really stressed you so much, I rather i let go of you. I know it will be painful and I can't deny that my eyes are already filled with tears as I typed this. But I will let time heal my wounds. We can still be close friends. The most important thing is I don't wish to see you like this. You should be with someone you're happy with and I'm just doing the opposite. I was just an idiot to have think so much. Sorry.

Thanks.
~Kaze

I'm a Chess piece on a Chessboard.

Everyday, I think of when this game will end. Everyday, I think of how this game will end. Perhaps it aren't a game, but I feel like it is now, or perhaps I'm just one of the chess pieces on the chessboard waiting to get moved around. And may get eliminated anytime, I never know. Well will you enjoy playing a game you can't control? Well that's what I'm feeling right now. Perhaps I need not know 'why', but I want to know 'when' and 'how'.

Well I know I wrote in the previous post I won't think so much anymore. But I just can't help but think of the "when" and "how" whenever I'm alone. Or rather, when I'm doing nothing.

Perhaps this game got me living with a purpose, but it stopped me from moving on. Well, I know I have to move on, and I will try to.

But for now, I'll just have to enjoy being one of the chess pieces...

Thanks.
~Kaze

"The beatles" mood...

I guess I finally understand that there's no point worrying so much...I can't control things and definitely shouldn't force myself to. I'll just live on my everyday life like before...everyday(well almost) in happiness. Joke my way through the day...Self-entertained or be entertained. Perhaps this way everyone won't feel the stress level. I'll continue to wait for that day to come...perhaps one day when I feel I can speak up...I will. But for now...I got lots of work to catch up...and has absolutely no time to lose.

I'm back to listening to The beatles. Long time since I listen to their songs...I've been listening to some not very cheerful songs for too long, and it's time to get back to The beatles... Well I can't say for sure but perhaps the usual Kaze will be back now...well at least now I won't think so much...Just want to enjoy everyday life like a normal person now.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Facing him...

I don't know how long can I face him, pretending that nothing had happened. I can't really joke normally with him anymore...The more I talk to him, the more I feel guilty...Just looking at him, I feel like I'm worst than a dog...I feel like I owe him something. I feel...confused. I don't know what else to do. I tried to think my way through but there was no answer. Yet I couldn't get myself to just give up like this...I just can't. I'm really lost...Just wished that I wouldn't have to face him everyday. Coz seriously I feel bad.

Even if one day when everything's over, I don't think our friendship will be the same anymore. The only thing I can do now is to think of how to at least maintain this friendship as close as it's current state now.

And I'm sorry I made you worry...I just want to think my way through...perhaps in the rain, I feel better. I really don't know how long this thing will drag on...and I'm sure it won't feel good for all of us. But I'll wait...no matter what's the answer in the end.

Thanks.
~Kaze